Parades

I went to our town's {Lilac Parade} for the first time ever today. Ilse marched in the Middle School Band and she was AWESOME!  My baby girl is growing up right before my eyes! WOW!  Neither of my teenage boys would have anything to do with sitting with their Mama at the parade...hell, I couldn't break Ian away from the X-BOX long enough to even attend the parade today, {ADDICT}! Little Ollie couldn't handle the hours outside today. He has had a rough few days and has two appointments coming up this week also....SO, I was on my own to watch this yearly parade. Alone I should never have been...

I stood up and applauded through tears streaming down my cheeks, watching our Police & Fire Departments being honored and leading the opening of the parade....All I could think of were the times they rushed to our home when Evan was hit by a van and when Oliver... I am just SO grateful for their service and protection! I didn't expect any reaction like this from so deep inside...at a parade!  Then I looked around some more and realized I was really REALLY alone at this parade. I was sitting alone not only because as is typical of teenagers, mine ditched me, but because life for me is not typical...I don't get to spend time making friends with my children's friends' parents, having coffee with neighbors, joining clubs, volunteering at my children's schools...thus having people to KNOW and MEET UP WITH on the parade route.  There were happy families and gatherings of friends sharing hours of Fun, BBQs, Picnics, and genuine love & laughter.

I felt like I was watching from the outside. One person did speak to me; She happened to be a Nurse with a Grandson named Oliver, go figure. She was sweet. I watched her with her 8 Grandkids the remainder of my time at the parade...She is the kind of Grandma I want to be some day. She is how I imagine my Mom would've been with my kids if she had lived nearby when they were young.  She told me that two of her Granddaughters are 8yr old twins with one of the girls having residual health issues from birth. I could tell she accepts those health issues. I wish my children's health issues were accepted and understood by more people in our families.

When the time came, No One Noticed as I got up, folded up my chair and walked away from that curb. I walk the six blocks to collect Ilse at the designated spot, rather lonely. I am aware that I am having a harder and harder time watching or being part of {normal} activities...it has been 6 years since my life has changed SO DRAMATICALLY.

You would think I would be used to being DIFFERENT, being LEFT OUT, being MISUNDERSTOOD, being AVOIDED, being FEARED, being ALONE IN A CROWD ...but I am not and I will never be.

-Renee'